The Man Behind the Cape

2011 Radio Interview with Dracula

JERRY

Welcome back to LITE FM. Tonight we have a special guest interview with the one and only…Dracula! He’s here in the studio with me right now, so listen up ladies because I hear he knows how to treat a woman!

DRACULA

Thanks, Jer. Happy to be here.

JERRY

So as per our usual routine I’m going to ask you a series of set questions so that our listeners can get to know you a little bit better.

DRACULA

Excellent.

JERRY

First question: What has been the most significant accomplishment in your life and why?

DRACULA

Good question, I’d have to say that my most important achievement to date has been my mastery of the Water Cycle. I know that answer may be surprising but weather has always fascinated me. Moreover, this knowledge has been integral to my understanding of the world and myself.

JERRY

Haha, well that’s a first! What’s your favorite kind of weather?

DRACULA

Fog. Next question.

JERRY

Okay, so at what point does a girl become a woman?

DRACULA

I’ve actually considered this question a lot these days but I think a girl becomes a woman when she becomes too big to carry off easily in the middle of the night.

JERRY

Excuse me?

DRACULA

Uh. Well. It’s harder to sweep a woman off her feet because she already has misconceptions about the trustworthiness of men. What? Did you think I was talking about kidnapping children or something crazy?

JERRY

Right…Well I guess that means we don’t have the typical misogynistic heart breaker in our studio tonight.

DRACULA

Heh.

JERRY

So do you consider yourself a giver or a taker?

DRACULA

I think any successful relationship has a mix of both. Honestly, I’m probably more of a taker but the key to maintaining any sense of balance is mutual consent.

JERRY

Uhp, looks like we got an old fashioned gentleman in the studio tonight! He asks for permission and everything! So who do you think is the most popular person in the world right now?

DRACULA

Lady Gaga, hands down. I absolutely LOVE her song “Marry the Night,” not to mention “Bad Romance”!

JERRY

Hmm, wasn’t expecting that, not gonna lie. Anyway, what would you like to see done to improve the public’s understanding of the importance of organ donation?

DRACULA

I think we should kill everyone who doesn’t agree to participate in organ donation. This would leave a lasting impression on the survivors and create new normative practices…uh-huh-uh, jokes! I think we should have celebrities like Sarah Michelle Gellar speak in informative commercials on TV to educate the youth about the vitality of this issue.

JERRY

I have to admit, she was great in Buffy! She could say something like, “Take organ donation seriously or I’ll slay you!”

Well that’s all the time we have on the show tonight. Thanks for stopping by and giving us the opportunity to ask you a few questions. Don’t forget your fedora!

DRACULA

Ha, thank you – it has been a real pleasure. It’s going to be sad to see you go.

For my “Buffy vs. Dracula” post I wanted to do something different and creative so I made this script to further the manifestation of the Dracula mythos in contemporary society. I liked how Spike subverts the Dracula convention by discussing his “actual” personality. This element of the episode is both comical and intriguing. I hope that I accomplished this same effect by depicting the characteristics of Stoker’s traditional Dracula in an original, amusing, and self-aware manner.