*my hamGoth life* (3:4)

EPISODE 4: College Bites

[A typical day at Hamilton College. 6 students are meeting in Commons for dinner, and they are all running a little late. Each of them encounters Marge as they swipe in, and she questions them about their respective days, despite their apparent lack of time. Becca and Madison are the first to arrive.]

MARGE[swiping Becca’s HillCard]: How you doing today honey?

BECCA[trying to escape without a full fledged conversation as Madison rolls her eyes and gestures to the tables]: Well, it was, um, fine.

[Becca does not look “fine,”  Marge picks up on this.]

MARGE: Doesn’t sound just fine to me, why don’t you tell me about it.

[The scene begins to blur, as the viewer is transported into Becca’s memory of her day as an intern in the Annual Fund Office. There is a loud clock ticking as Becca stares at a blank screen and bangs her head on the desk. The women around her are intently focused on their work but Becca stands up and goes to the printer, fumbling around the surrounding drawers. There are doors slamming and paper rustling. Suddenly there is a shadow on wall, creaking floorboard and door slam.]

[Becca starts and glances behind her, and Jaime stands up and takes paper from the printer.]

BECCA:  So, Jaime, what class is Mr. Hexalander? I keep looking at the pictures but I can’t find him. [Taps framed photographs on wall next to printer, knocks a painting of Alexander Hamilton off the wall. Violent crash sound as it hits floor. Women look up and Becca picks it up and dusts it off attempting to look nonchalant.] He looks so familiar though…

JAIME: [Grabbing the picture of Al. Ham from Becca]Oh, he didn’t graduate here, he’s just, you know, been here forever. Numbers are kind of his thing.

BECCA: Forever? Dude, if I were crunching numbers for that long, I would get someone to shoot me and put me out of my misery. Guess he doesn’t feel the same way, huh?

JAIME: [Visibly flustered] What? [nervous laughter]Mr. Hexalander is a big proponent of gun control. Not a fan of guns. Don’t mention guns. Don’t you have a spreadsheet? I would do it before he get’s back. He won’t like if it’s not ready.

BECCA: Yeah, sheesh, I’ll get on that. You make it seem like he’ll be out for blood. [Laughs and heads back to desk, sits down and glances at screen, loud ticking clock in background]

[Becca is now alone in the office at nighttime, head on her hand, staring at the screen and tapping her pencil on the desk. Singing poorly, “Janie’s Got a Gun” by Aerosmith]

BECCA[to self]:Why couldn’t I just have gotten a job as a tour guide?

[Becca starts as central door creaks open. Blue light flashes on the office floor. Loud banging noise and rustling sounds.]

BECCA: Mr. Hexalander? [Nervously shifts] Sorry, I guess I didn’t know you were there… I hope I wasn’t too loud. I was just, um, in my jam.

[Becca pauses and gets up and walks to the door, the floorboards creak and dark version of Yankee Doodle Dandy plays.]

BECCA: Mr. Hexalander? Do you need something? Seriously, I didn’t mean that tour guide comment. I can’t even walk backwards or anything. I swear.  [Yankee Doodle faster]

[The door creaks as it opens further and Becca reaches out her foot, slowly opening it. She can see an American flag and bust of an eagle, and assorted quill pens. The music grows softer.]

BECCA[under breath]:Um, someone’s taking this whole Hamilton thing a bit too far… [louder] Mr. Hexalander? Are you here? Do you need something? A cup of coffee? [snickers and adds under breath]A Boston tea party?

[Door slams in Becca’s face and a cold gust of wind blows through the office, knocking the papers off Becca’s desk]

BECCA:  Guess I am alone…[shivering] Seriously, they weren’t kidding when they said cold weather was an all year thing. [Starts singing again, much more softly]

[Scene blurs back into Commons. Marge is looking at Becca with confusion.]

MARGE[hugging Becca]: Well that’s just strange. I’m sorry you had such a rough day.

MADISON[Pretending to be irked]: You think us tour guides have it so easy?

MARGE: Tough day for you too?

[Again, the scene blurs, but this time to Madison’s memories of her day at work. Madison enters Admissions, the hefty oak door slams violently behind her, she turns on some atonal elevator music and begins placing brochures around the strangely empty office. She slices her finger on one of the brochures, and it immediately begins to bleed.]

MADISON [holding her finger tightly]: Ouch!

[She turns and is startled to see a young man wearing flannel, tortoise shell glasses, and Birkenstocks standing at her desk looking slightly exasperated]

MADISON[compensating for fright with excitement]: Huh, huh, hi there, I didn’t even hear you come in. Welcome to Hamilton College!

[Madison pauses for acknowledgment, the young man remains as a statue]

MADISON [with more excitement]: We are so glad to have you here today. Here’s a map of campus and a coupon for a black and white cookie in town. Have you visited campus before?

YOUNG MAN [with a roll of the eyes]: I suppose you could say that.

MADISON [not willing to be defeated]: Oh, okay. I need you to fill out this form so we can file your information. Don’t worry too much about the standardized test section, if you don’t know your scores, that’s totally fine.

YOUNG MAN: Yeah, I haven’t taken those in forever.

MADISON: Ha! I remember hating those tests. They really suck the life out of you.

YOUNG MAN[slightly more engaged]: Should I list any of my alumni connections?

MADISON[a bit puzzled]: I guess, but only blood relatives.

YOUNG MAN[curiously]: My brothers all went here.

MADISON: How nice. When you’re finished,  there’s coffee and tea in the waiting room.

[Gestures towards sitting area]

YOUNG MAN [with a devilish air]: Well, I am rather thirsty.

[Laughs maniacally as the lights flicker]

MADISON[mildly concerned by the lights, but not the laughter]: Hmmm [glances at ceiling], anyway, help yourself. The tour starts at 10, I think you’ll really li.......

[The young man has vanished into the waiting room and is sitting in a chair staring blankly at the front desk, leaving Madison alone and mildly freaked out]

[Brief scene of the rest of the morning such as phone calls looking for Barnes and Noble, arrival of several more prospective students, scheduling of interviews, dealing with crazy parents, all mixed with the glare of the eerie hipster in the waiting room]

[Madison grabs a red rain coat and walks into the waiting room]

MADISON: Okay everybody, let’s head outside. Don’t forget your jackets, the weather here has quite a bite to it!

[The group heads outside, door swings shut with a resounding thud. The scene blurs back to Commons.]

MARGE: Well gosh, you two should consider getting new jobs. Have a nice meal girls.

[Becca and Madison exit, pursued by a bear. Next to arrive is Teng.]

MARGE: How’s it going?

TENG[visibly shaken: Well.....

[As Teng pauses to think, the scene blurs to his memory of long-boarding earlier in the day. it is dawn on a countryside road. There are farms on the side of the road. The camera lowering from the horizon, tainted red by the sun, to a guy long-boarding on the road. He raises his hand to his eyebrow level, looking at the distance. Camera, from guy’s perspective, reveals a person limping towards the guy. A flock of crows crow loudly as they fly across the horizon. Guy longboards towards the girl. Camera close up on girl’s appearance.]

GUY[to himself]:She is the most beautiful creature that I have ever seen. I just cannot keep enjoying the sunset while knowing a lady this beautiful is trying to limp back home.

GUY: Where are you going?

GIRL: A farm ahead.

GUY: You shouldn’t walk with an injured leg, let me carry you to the farm.

GIRL:  I don’t want to trouble you.

GUY: Please, I insist. I’m heading that direction too.

[Guy reaches out his hand to help the girl climb onto his back.]

Guy[again to himself]: Her hands are soft and smooth, but without the warmth like a normal person.

GIRL: I’m so tired, I feel like dead. Could I rest on your shoulder for a bit?

GUY: Yes.

[The girl puts her head facing Guy’s neck. Her face touching his neck.

Guy’s heart starts to pump faster and faster. Sound of his heart beating as moments passed by.]

GUY[still to himself]: How come I feel part of my neck is more sensitive to the wind rushing against me as if a line of water were dripping from my neck?

[Guy raises his hand and touches his neck. Camera close up on finger covered in blood.

Guy turns his head backwards, doesn’t see the girl. Camera zooms out showing just the road and the rider. The scene then blurs back to Commons.]

MARGE: Wow, after a ride like that you must be really hungry. Move along now hun.

[Teng turns to get food, behind him arrives Sydney and Claire who are already engaged in an intense conversation]

MARGE[interrupting their conversation]: Hi girls, what’s got you so excited?

SYDNEY[with a sigh]: Boys.

[The scene blurs from Commons to a darkside dormroom. Claire sits on her bed, riffling through a tattered, leather-bound book about dark magic, while Sydnetta and Bekah sit on the floor, deep in conversation. They are in McIntosh 115. The night is dark.]

BEKAH [while painting her toenails blood red]: Kurt loves this color [gesturing towards her nails] He told me. Anyway, it’s not that I’m saying he isn’t into you at all but the way he was checking me out in downward facing dog. I’m just saying. [pause] You’re obviously just jealous.

SYDNETTA: I mean, I’m not. I promise. [Sydnetta begins playing on her phone]

BEKA: Really? Seems like you’re getting a little jealous to me. You’re the one with the boyfriend, remember?

SYDNETTA: Was. Was the one with the boyfriend. [Fix You by Coldplay starts playing]

[Claire turns from her book and focuses on Sydnetta and Bekah. Bekah looks at Sydnetta, aghast and drops and spills her nail polish on the carpet. She doesn’t notice.]

BEKAH: Wait, what? When did this happen?

SYDNETTA: Yesterday night.

BEKAH: When did Kurt come over last night? I’m pretty sure he was in yoga with me until eleven thirty. [Swooning] We have that in common. Me and Kurt. We’re lunatics when it comes to nighttime yoga. [Gestures to her yoga mat in the corner]

SYDNETTA[dramatically]: It must have been after yoga. He was carrying his mat. If I remember correctly, I think it was exactly 12:00 when he knocked. Emma was out and he asked if he could come in.

BEKAH[angry/jealous]: Holy shitters! You’ve got to be kidding me! What did you say?

CLAIRE: I hope you didn’t let him in. Especially at that hour. That’s a dangerous hour to keep company. [To herself] A dark and dangerous hour to keep company.

SYDNETTA: He asked so politely if he could come in. I couldn’t resist. His eyes are so piercing, you know? [Norah Jones’ Come Away With Me begins playing]

BEKAH: And what happened?

SYDNETTA: Well, he came and sat down on my bed and we started talking. It was pretty dark in my room. I had turned off the lights before he came in. I was pretty much ready for bed. I was wearing my silky red cami, You know, the really low cut one?

BEKAH[under her breath]: Trollop

SYDNETTA [Not hearing Bekah]: I said I was cold or something so he rested his hand on the nape of my neck. He didn’t move it for a minute or so. I can’t even describe how good his fingers felt there.

CLAIRE [concerned]: Wait. He had his hands on your neck? Only his hands, right?

SYDNETTA: Well, that’s when he kissed me. But it wasn’t on the lips, but gently where he had been stroking my neck. Then, Emma came in. Kurt got all weird and rushed out. A mist seemed to follow him. Anyway, I don’t know why because technically it wasn’t cheating, but I still thought I should break it off with Jakob. Pre-emptively. In case things get serious with me and Kurt. I felt sort of possessed when I did it. [Music stops playing] Weird.

[Lights fade out and scene returns to Commons. Claire is nodding in agreement with Syndey]

CLAIRE: You know, Bekah has been acting kinda strange lately.

[Scene blurs to August 2010; move-in day for upperclassmen at Hamilton College; Skenendoa 104—room of Claire and Bekah. The room is large and open.  However, all the windows are clustered on one side of the room, leaving the other side mostly in shadow.  Bekah, who arrived first, has placed all her belongings on the shadowy side, which Claire finds strange]

CLAIRE[entering the room]: Bekah! I’m here! I hope you left me the good side—wait, you did! I was just joking.  Why would you take the side without any windows? You’re way nicer than I am.  Hold on… [to herself, upon looking around the room] Since when does she have the same comforter as me? She hates purple! And a Hello Kitty sticker on her Nalgene?  Even I don’t have that!  BEKAH STOP PRIMPING AND GET OUT HERE!

[Bekah exits the bathroom.  She is dressed almost exactly like Claire: Brand New t-shirt, skinny jeans, Vans.  Her hair is no longer blonde, but dark and curly just like Claire’s.]

BEKAH: Hey! How was your drive?

CLAIRE[flustered both by both Bekah’s appearance and the state of the room]:It was fine…but what are you wearing? And your hair? And the bedding? You didn’t have any of that stuff last year!!  Bekah, come on. Your pranks have gone too far. How do you expect to top this on April Fool’s?  Why would you spend so much money on a stupid prank?  Did working at the law office suck that badly?

[Bekah seems unfazed by Claire’s accusations.  However, she has retreated to her bed, which is rather cave-like, as it is pushed into a corner as far from the windows as possible.]

BEKAH[casually]: Are you feeling sick or something? [looking straight into Claire’s eyes, as if trying to convince her]. Everything is the same as it was last year.  I always had that blanket and these clothes. [in a lighter tone] I like your makeover though!  The pink sweater sets were a bit much.

CLAIRE[not sure whether to be amused, annoyed, or frightened by Bekah’s behavior]:Okay, whatever Bekah. You always had this stuff. Hilarious.  But I will NOT let you go around saying I ever wore anything pink, nevermind a [shudders at the thought] SWEATER SET.  I’m gonna go see if Syd’s here yet. Wanna come?

BEKAH[visibly recoiling at the thought of being outside in daylight]: NO!  I mean no thank you.  It’s kinda bright out. [realizing that’s a weird thing to say, she  attempts to cover it, but overcompensates]  I mean not that I don’t love the sun!! I totally do! But I’ve already gotten my Vitamin D for the day, so…

CLAIRE[baffled and annoyed, cuts her off]:  Okay. Bye. See you for dinner, I guess.

[As Claire turns around, Bekah looks hungrily at her, revealing extra sharp teeth.]

BEKAH: Oh you will. [Stifles a maniacal laugh]

[Scene blurs back to Commons]

MARGE: She sounds like she needs a hug, you should send her my way.

Claire: I just might, I don’t want her to snap at me again.

Sydney: Thanks Marge!

[The two girls head leave the swiping station. After a beat, Alex walks up to Marge looking exhausted and stressed out.]

MARGE[swiping his card]: What’s got you looking so upset, hun?

[Alex begins to speak, but simply shakes his head in desperation. The scene blurs to         a over sleepover scene, which is decorated just as the voiceover explains. There are seven guests present. Everyone seems in good cheer. R.E.M.’s “It’s the End of the World as We Know It” plays softly.]

        

ALEX VOICEOVER: One of my favorite nights of the year: it’s the night of the Rainbow Slumber Party. Naturally we’ve gathered all of the necessary  sleepover refinements: hot cocoa and marshmallows, fluffy pillows for pillow fights, and a long list of scary movies. [Camera pans over aforementioned objects.] Of course, since this sleepover is also a Rainbow affair, there are also streamers, glow-in-the-dark stars, and, well, everything in Ellie’s room is decked out in gaudy, splashy color. [Camera pans over these objects, too.]

VOICEOVER: Oh, Ellie is the host. [Pan to Ellie, as she collects several sparkly bags.] She always hosts these things; she’s a natural. Bless her, she’s one of the sweetest people I know, but—by God—if she isn’t also one of the vainest. She revels in playing hostess: this is her show, her production, and we’re supposed to just sit back and love her for it. Tonight Ellie brings out our gift bags early.

ELLIE: I’m dead-sure you’re gonna love this, Alex.

[She hands Alex one of the sparkly bag and then returns to her place on the sofa.]

EVERYONE: Ooh! Ahh.

[Alex laughs affectionately at her generosity and starts lifting out the crinkly foil that separates him from the surprise. Ellie sits on her hands in anticipation.]

VOICEOVER: Of course, no matter how rotten the gift, I’ll wriggle my eyebrows and laugh and say, “Why, Ellie, I never!” She’s the type to be easily mortified.

[Alex extracts the gift from the bag: it’s a genuine Lisa Frank notebook. Everyone laughs as he displays it for all to see.]

ELLIE: I know you’ll find a handy way to use it, boo.

[Camera pans over Lisa Frank notebook. The cover art depicts a hot pink unicorn that seems to be galloping toward the viewer. Behind the unicorn is a kaleidoscopic ocean. The moon (lime green, naturally) hovers just above water’s edge, setting the whole sky alight in fuchsia. The rest: baby blue, firetruck red, straw yellow, bright magenta.  All the while, the voiceover speaks.]

VOICEOVER: This thing is the epitome of a rainbow, all right -- taken to its most logical extreme. The color combination is the most nauseatingly happy thing I’ve seen all day.

[The buzzing of a mosquito becomes audible. The camera pans down to Alex’s leg, where a mosquito lands on his thigh; almost reflexively he grabs the new notebook and slams it down on the creature. After the moment is over and a few silent seconds pass, everyone begins to laugh. Alex lifts the notebook and sees the mosquito smushed on the unicorn’s hot pink face. He turns to Ellie sheepishly.]

ALEX: Guess it already came in handy. [He smiles, a little embarrassed.]

[Ellie gives him a playful shove, then rolls her eyes.]

ELLIE: You slay me.  [She then brings out the gift bag for the next person. Scene fades to black.]

[Still in blackness, unless otherwise indicated.]

ALEX VOICEOVER: Oh, reader, how foolish I was then! How blind! How ignorant I was of that which lurked behind the veil of reality… the eldritch horrors that lie in wait to claim us!

It had all been foretold in the Dark Prognosticus:

[Camera again pans over the pillows.]

The down from the pillow fight… the “seven feathers of seven chickens.”

[Camera again pans over the stars.]

The stars, strewn about the room… the “nine unholy pentagrams.”

[Camera again pans over the mosquito.]

The mosquito, unjustly killed… the “blood of an innocent.”

[The Lisa Frank notebook comes into view; the shot begins dark and blurry, but slowly the drawing comes into focus. Slow pan toward the unicorn, which is only revealed during the voiceover’s final line. It also becomes clear that the drawing is covered in blood.]

That night I had unknowingly completed the dark ritual that finally released HER from HER prison after a thousand years.

And now everyone from that fateful night is dead. All of them, pierced through by HER ungodly spike. That is, everyone but me. I’m determined to fight. To avenge. I’ll rip that goddamned pink horn off HER head if it’s the last thing I do.

[Camera finally pans over the unicorn. She smiles evilly.]

[Scene blurs back to Commons, Marge is patting Alex on the shoulder.]

MARGE: Well, at least its all over now.

ALEX[reluctantly, but getting more enthusiastic]: Yeah, yeah! I guess you’re right.

[Alex walks away. The friends re-unite while getting food. The 6 get drinks and walk into the main dining room, holding trays. They are searching for a table, when their jaws drop and their faces shift to utter terror. Sitting together and staring directly at the friends are a unicorn, a hipster, a hot guy, a girl with a long-board, Alexander Hamilton, and Bekah.The scene freezes (Buffy “Tabula Rasa” style) on the 6 friends terrified faces, staring as the physical manifestations of the horrors of their days continue to follow them in real life.

written & performed by Claire Gavin, Madison Kircher, Becca Mack, 
Alex Pure, Leonard Teng, and Sydney Wright-Schaner